How to Find a Divorce Mediator | 5 Questions to Ask Her and Yourself

How to Find a Divorce Mediator | 5 Questions to Ask Her and Yourself

The benefits to mediation in a divorce, particularly a contentious one, are many, if the right mediator is selected. So, how does someone find the right mediator? Is there a “one size fits all” for mediators or does each case require a different type of approach?

 The first question you should ask is what type of mediator do you want: facilitative, evaluative or transformative.  Because there is not enough time to discuss all 3, I’ll focus on facilitative and evaluative.  Facilitative is the original type of mediation taught to mediators.  In it, the mediator does not offer her opinion or make recommendations, but rather, seeks to assist the parties in finding solutions for their problems.  In evaluative, the mediator might make recommendations, point out the weaknesses in each party’s case, and are often legal experts.  Evaluative mediation is modeled after settlement conferences held by judges. 

 The second question to ask when looking for a divorce mediator is what interest do you want to protect? This is the why or your concerns; your needs. Notice I did not say wants, but needs.  If you go into a mediation simply making demands, then mediation will not be as successful as if you identify the issues that are important to you.  For example, saying “it’s important to me that I have  enough money for a 2 bedroom apartment in a nice part of town” is an interest. Saying “I need $2,000 a month in alimony” is a position.

 The third question is: are you ready to be completely honest and lay your cards on the table? Mediation does not work if one (or both parties) is holding back. Remember, the mediator is not the decision maker (unless you later decide to make him or her the arbitrator).  Complete transparency is best at this point.

 Are you willing to be creative with solutions?  Oftentimes during divorce mediations, there are so many emotions that it is difficult for the parties to see all of the available solutions.  Rather than looking at an annuity with $50,000 in it and asking whether each party should receive 50%, perhaps the question could be reframed to ask “is there a way to grow the annuity to produce more so that each party receives more?”

 Finally, the last question you should ask is how much control do you want to have in the outcome of your divorce? Chief Justice Burger said that the problem with litigation was that it was “too costly, too painful, too destructive and too inefficient for truly civilized people.” Burger Says Lawyers Make Legal Help Too Costly. (1984, Feb. 13) NYTimes, A13. If you find the right mediator, she will control the communication, separating the people from the problem. 

Successful mediation will help to improve your relationship; hopefully to prevent future disputes, but in the event, they occur, then to at least make future issues more easily resolvable.